The biggest challenge one faces in planning a party is the guest list.
If, like me, you are very likable, popular and have a large social circle, and yet not rich enough to own a mansion like Mr. Jay "Old Sport" Gatsby to throw large extravagant parties inviting everyone in town, you will likely be forced to whittle down a guest list to a number which your humble apartment can accommodate.
And with the cost of holding functions in hotels and restaurants reaching astronomical heights, one can only reserve a limited number of tables before one unconsciously begins to Google the process of applying for bankruptcy.
While discussing this with a friend of mine who is planning his wedding luncheon, I suggested that when faced with the predicament of pruning the guests list, one must put aside the vague arbitrary concept of emotions and feelings, and adopt a rational approach.
The strategy that I proposed, which I will trademark soon in case any event planners plagiarise it, is a point ranking system, where each potential guest is given points based on certain established criteria and the guests with the lowest points are given the boot.
CRITERIA
1. Guest you are in constant contact vs. guests you haven't seen in a decade
Friends whom you see at least once a week gets awarded 5 points each, while those whom you see at least once a month must only be contented with 3 points. Those whom you have socialised with at least in the past one year deserves only 1 point. Anybody whom you haven't seen in more than twelve months gets zero points.
Special bonus points goes to people whom you don't see as often, but still keeps in contact over the phone. (Note: Facebook or other forms of social media's birthday messages don't count)
2. People who are lights up the room vs. people who wears grim and sombre like a pair of earrings.
We all know people who are able to almost immediately command the attention of any room they walk into, and are able to have interesting conversation with a group of strangers only introduced to them a few minutes ago. These people deserves 5 points. Having these guests in your party implies that you, the host, is interesting too, that such charming personalities would grace your event.
At the end of the spectrum are people who tried being happy once, and it almost killed them. They go around the room complaining about their jobs, their spouses, the food, other people who complains too much; and they just kill any mood you may have tried to imbued into your party. These people get only 1 point (Just so that they have one less reason to complain).
The middle rung in this are the people who just stand around, nodding at everything the charmers say, and smiling politely. They usually only talk to the person next to them and never address a group of more than one. Give them 3 points for being the pedestals for the charmers to stand on.
3. People who are good looking vs. people who aren't
Your party may not make the event pages of Esquire or GQ, but there will be tonnes of photos taken, and shared insouciantly on Instagram even before the last spit or puke is cleaned from the toilet floor.
Hence, it is important to ensure that your guest list is filled with people who have got ten pounds to spare for the camera lenses.
Go through their Facebook profiles and identify people who are photogenic, with an average of 1,000 likes for their profile pictures and selfies. Give these people 5 points.
The second tier would be people who may not look good from the neck up, but has the moral flexibility to show a little more skin, hence upping the "Hot" quotient. Give them 3 points for, well, fashion sense.
For those who are average looking and dresses like they do not care about being seen, award them 1 point. These are the ones who will fit in nicely at the sides of the group photos, enhancing the looks of the beautiful people in the middle. They can also be the designated photographers for the night, thus eliminating the risk of them appearing in too many photos of that night.
(Note: Be wary of people with pictures of pets, cartoons or landscapes, on their profile pictures. If you have to hide behind Spot's photo with his slobbering tongue hanging out, you have some serious grooming to do my friend)
Bonus points to yourself if you are able to locate enough beautiful people and yet, as the host, remain in the top 1 percentile of the lookers in your party.
4. People who are useful vs. people who sits on their ass
Anyone who offers to bring the booze and/or clean up after the party automatically gets a place in your guest list, whether or not they are good looking or charismatic. These naturally helpful, essential, unofficial, crew of the event will make or break your evening and having them around means having people to boss. 5 points to them!
There will also be people in your draft guest list who has a reputation of being voracious eaters. These are people you want in your party, but not at the very beginning, but towards the end when they can help to ensure that there are no leftovers. Try lying to them that the party starts at 9pm when in fact you have told the other guests to come at 7pm. These folks gets 3 points.
Those who refuses to lift a finger other than to indicate the number of champagne they want, deserves a finger to their face themselves. No points for such seat fillers.
5. People whose weddings, birthdays, etc. you want to attend vs. those you don't
I have known people who have been forced to invite people whom they loathe to their parties, just because the former was previously invited to an earlier event by the latter.
Thus if you turn it around, say, you know that a rich person throws lavish parties that you would like to be invited to. Award them 5 points, if these rich folks aren't assholes (they usually aren't...rich people are mostly quite nice people) then you have a foot through their heavy and expensive mahogany doors.
Anybody else gets zero points for this criterion.
6. People who pays your salary vs. people who leeches off you
Look. There are inherently more important people in this world than others. They have reached their station in life through hard work and determination, and hence have been granted authority over certain areas of your life.
Such as promotion.
Job security.
And to repay their mercy in ensuring your kids have food to eat and iPads to waste their lives on, these bosses of yours deserves at least 5 points each.
Speaking of kids, your leeching children can be left out of your guest list. Zero points.
So there you have it, a fool proof system of ensuring that you have the most dynamic guest list possible for your party. Be prepared for a lot of hurt feelings and offences being taken by people who do not make the list, but fortify yourself for you know that this was what science has dictated - and that only deserving people have made it to your party, no doubt making it an event people will be talking about for years to come.
Even if talking about it means cursing it like a sailor with a stubbed toe.
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