Belum: An Adventure of James Bond Proportion (The Conclusion)

There comes a time in a man's life when he is faced with the option of either taking up oars and paddle against the current...

...or lazily lie on the lawn chairs of life and let the days pass them by idly.

For the Kuans, the final morning of their expedition brought with it the excitement of maneuvering solo or in a team, a kayak or a bamboo raft.

The more adventurous ones chose the fast moving but unstable kayaks...

...while the bamboo rafts provided the chance to experience a whole new way of gliding through the waters...

...and an opportunity to experiment of paddling in a unique fashion...

...with your bare hands while lying flat on your stomach.

The final mission, which was delivered in the form of a self exploding teddy bear held by the most adorable girl (who was suffocating the bear with the poly bag)...

...was to leave your hand prints on the bridge which connects Pulau Banding, which lies in the middle of Lake Temenggor, to the mainland.

Few made it, and felt better for achieving it, but for those who did not, well, didn't know that that was what was expected of them.

Many emerged from their kayaks and rafts as dry as a marathon runners throat after 30 KM, but those with balancing problems and a high center of gravity had to contend with walking back to camp drenched from head to toe.

The last leg of the journey consisted of going hunting for pork chop again for lunch at Lenggong, and the best hawker fare that Ipoh has to offer.

The Kuan convoy finally returned to Kuala Lumpur (which, ironically, in English, means "muddy estuary") around midnight, eager for a shower and their warm bed and a long weekend of unpacking to do.
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For more photos of the Kuan's family expedition, please visit my Facebook photos at:

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150303220492908.361003.591312907&l=ee90234844&type=1

For more information on Belum Rainforest Resort, please visit their website at:

http://www.belumresort.com/

Belum: An Adventure of James Bond Proportion (Part II)

With their life in the balance, the Kuans turned on the charm offensive.

They first befriended the aboriginal children (although some, like the one right in front, were more difficult than others to charm). For this, they sent their two most childish and childlike operatives...

...these two.



Then, they offered to help the women with their laundry, an idea that was quickly abandoned when the city folks in the Kuans realised there was not a single washing machine in sight.

In the end, the Operation leader stood tall with pride with his second-in-command and declared "Mission Accomplished".

After successfully pacifying the aborigines, the Kuans continued with their search for the foul-smelling Rafflesia plant. This was a little more arduous and demanding than expected. After another 30 minutes boat ride and a 20 minute traversing up a muddy hike, negotiating slippery rocks and the constant voice (both from inside their own head and from all the mothers and fathers in the group) that repeatedly screams "Rat urine, rat urine", the majority of the Kuans finally made it to where the plants are.

Their joy, although evident on each of their faces, were short lived, as the fabled largest flower in the world had yet to bloom, and all that was there to see were this; black nodules on a tree trunk.

Lunch meant another hike into enemy territory, the Royal Belum Ruok Waterfall, a forest reserve run by the locals...

...but ruled by a minion of leeches and their king leech with his sinister looking crown...

...and is assisted by his ethereal looking niece, perched on her sharp edged rock, whose mythical singing is said to lure Iraqi (or was it French, or maybe Lebanon) holiday goers to their rocky demise.

The Kuans were in no shape to overcome the danger they faced, not after lunch of only a couple of thinly spread sandwiches, and a fried chicken each (by the looks of the size, in most probability kampung chicken), and their only resistance were two scrawny operatives, both with less than desirable eye sights. 

And so the Kuans slowly made their way back to where their boats were anchored, down slippery slopes of mud (while protecting their designer Kipling handbags)...

...underneath the blazing hot sun...

...and through the thick thorny undergrowth.

With only a few leech bites, muddy buttocks and a few missing shoe soles to report, the day was considered wildly successful.

As the Kuans bid farewell to the iridescent emerald waters of Lake Temenggor for the day, there is no doubt that there was a sense of achievement within everyone.

Wait, wait.

The fat lady hasn't sang (although a fat man was belting out "Just The Way You Are" two nights in a row) and this tale has yet to end.

What other perilous danger lurks just beyond the corner, waiting patiently for the Kuans, plotting like a bunch of gluttons craving for a second helping of pork chop?

What will the final leg of this epic adventure entail?

Stay tuned for the concluding episode of Belum: An Adventure of James Bond Proportion.

Belum: An Adventure Of James Bond Proportion (Part 1)

On 31 August 2011, at precisely 7.00 a.m. (give or take an hour for the chronically late), 43 members of the covert group, codenamed "the Kuans", set out on a treacherous journey to the northern most part of Perak, close to the Thailand tumultuous southern borders, in search of adventure, danger and a good time with family.

This is their story.

The two black cars lie awaiting in the streets under the first break of dawn - waiting to join the rest of the convoy in Rawang's highway rest stop.

Breakfast was a spread of nasi lemak, mee goreng, sandwiches, hard boiled eggs, yam cake, sausage buns.

Three tables were quickly filled underneath the white tent, which shielded its temporary visitors from the morning downpour.

There were many operatives who doubled up as waiters, distributing the food and helping to buy drinks. An elder of the group played disc jockey ("DJ") by blasting Mandarin classics from a portable music player (even though this was bound to irritate our fellow Muslim highway travellers who was, no doubt, in their Raya mood) and one channeled his inner janitor by helping to clean up after everyone else.



The sumptuous meal was concluded with the game of "passing around the sandwiches from car to car".

Out of the 9 cars, 4 were given the responsibility of ensuring ongoing communication by utilising the state-of-the-art walkie-talkies, a device thwarted only by a distance of more than 2 km and mountainous terrain. A challenge, considering Ipoh is known for its numerous limestone hills.

Communication was imperative to keep not just the driver awake, but to prevent anyone else in the car from getting a good rest. Of course, the usual reminders to prayers were not forgotten, and seeing how racism is not on the agenda, the Azan, the Buddhist chants of "Namoametabha" and even an Indian song were repeatedly announced over the aforementioned walkie talkie.

Before long, the Kuan's set up camp at another rest stop, this time just after the Ipoh toll exit.

Just like breakfast a mere 2 hours ago, food was distributed to the worn and weary, an entire pagoda was colonised and the announcement that the Kuans are Chinese and are proud of it was again made via the blasting of songs by the late great Theresa Teng.

The many challenges the Kuans faced on the road such as their growling stomachs (strange considering the amount of ration already consumed in the previous two stops) "forced" them to set up camp in Lenggong for lunch of fresh fish and delicious pork chops...

...and then later at Gerik for coffee, and for those who were famished again, toasted bread with butter and kaya  and prawn noodles (verdict for prawn noodles and toasted bread, average, although you wouldn't have guessed that by the number of empty plates and bowls left on the tables).

What was supposed to be a four and a half hour journey took the Kuans close to seven hours, and by the end of the day, some were secretly glad that the midnight trekking through the jungle was called off due to unfavorable weather.

On 1 September 2011, the hunt for the elusive tribes of aborigines (known locally as "orang asli" or the original people") and their highly protected medicinal plant, the Rafflesia (although it was later revealed that the plant has been proven years ago to cause kidney and liver failure if consumed, in other words, no different from beer) began by boat.

Within half an hour, the aboriginal settlements were located.

Women and children were kept out of harm's way...

...while the men tried to keep the Kuans away by using their magic blow darts.

Will the Kuans quest for friendship (or at worst, diplomatic relationship) with the aborigines ultimately end in failure?

Will they survive the onslaught of magic blow darts blown with immense accuracy by men dress in pink (sounds wrong, like http://www.men-in-pink-blows.com/ wrong)?

Will the men of Cheah Company and Tan Company finally find the cure for baldness in the form of Rafflesia powder?

Watch out for the Part 2 of this incredible journey into the heartlands of Perak.

Roger and OUT.

A Mini Tale From Belum: The Lake Temenggor Monster

The monster of Lake Temenggor is a fan of the Sleeping Buddha.

Remember that, the next time you dare venture into the emerald waters of his kingdom.

It was an uneventful day when we set out on our daily trips to the local river soup kitchen for our one meal a day, on our home made raft, known in local lingo as "rakit". We are poor that way...

Our faithful old raft - nicknamed Batmobile after another old rickety...
my black Myvi.

On the way, we decided to play the game "Sleeping Buddha or Victoria Secret".

The only difference between Sleeping Buddha and Victoria Secret
is the placement of your right arm.

I chose Victoria Secret.

Wrong choice.

The monster emerged unannounced from the deepest depth of the lake, and flipped us over as easily as one flips a booger after rolling it into the shape of a cannonball.

Strange how a monster of the deep needs a life jacket too.

Within seconds I found myself neck deep in water, at the mercy of the merciless beast.

My safety rakit only inches away from my flapping arms.

I was determined to not breathe my last inhaling the toxic fumes emanating from the lake, a result of the monster's obvious poor hygiene.

Note to self: Add a ladder at the side of the rakit

Just when I thought I was doomed, the monster decided not to consume me in view of his current low-fat diet.

I was NOT a happy camper..I mean, rafter, or rakiteer, up up
here we go

I survived to raft another day.

Who says being fat doesn't have its advantages?

Men: Through The Ages

At his very core and essence, men has not change since the Ice Age.

As compared to the fairer gender, men has steadfastly held on the the concept of simplicity, and outright rejected all complexities that women bring to the table.

To understand men, all you need to know are three things, and believe, even in another thousand years, this will still hold true.

(Note: Read this in an "ugh ugh", Neandarthal "Cavemen" style)

1. Men like food. Preferably with meat.

2. Men like sex. Prefarably with women.

3. Men like sports. Preferably without women.

So go forth, all ye woman who claims that your men are difficult to understand, and have a more understanding and loving relationship.

THE ULTIMATE SOLUTION TO BERSIH 2.0 & ANTI-BERSIH 2.0

Give ALL of them permits!

Look, since EVERYONE wants to rally, instead of threatening forceful crackdown on protesters and refusing to approve permits to everybody, why not allow everyone to have their say, and give them the freedom to assemble and rally in peace?

Before you write me off as a nut, consider the following:

• If you issue permits for all the rallies, instead of selected ones, ONE, you will not be accused of trampling on the right to free speech, and TWO, no one can label the police force of biasness and as mere puppets of the Government.
• If you think that the Malaysian police force doesn't have the manpower to monitor the rallies if they are approved, I put it to you that it will require even more personnel to operate water cannons, swing the batons and chase protesters down the alleys, than if all that the police need to do is just to direct traffic to allow the protesters to march without being mowed down by motor vehicles. Also, I am sure for just a day, the VVIPs can zip around town without their usual police escort, and these surpluses can be utilised to monitor the rallies.
• Re-brand the rallies as a peaceful parade for 1Malaysia. Anything that is tainted by the admittedly lame slogan will definitely drive the young hippies away from the event. You can also get Dato' Siti to sing the Negaraku, and since there are already silat exponents willing to spend their day on these rallies, why not get them to stage a performance as part the parade?
• But what about the shops in the vicinity whose business will be affected, as well as the loss in potential tourism money? Well, just take a look at Mardi Gras, the St. Patrick's Day parades and how much money is generated from these events! People from all over the world flock to catch a glimpse, and shops beg for the parades to pass by their street.
• Who will sponsor such a parade though? Besides all the unproven allegations that the rallies are already funded by shadowy associations like the Canadian Allied Foundation (Canada? Seriously? What harm can a country that Southpark ridicules on a daily basis inflict on us?), has anyone considered Digi? They already have obese men dress in yellow condoms as their mascot, so why not take advantage of the notoriety that the color yellow has already gain in recent days?
• Okay okay, I hear you. Malaysians can never pull of a Mardi Gras. But what's the worst that would happen if we fail to change the rally into a fun-loving parade free from violence with the main aim of attracting bone headed tourists, most probably from Canada (and possibly be heralded as an exemplary country for free speech)? We will end up with a boring parade through the streets of Kuala Lumpur with little or no interest from the general public, not unlike our annual National Day Parade.
• Issue the permits with the condition that all rally organisers convert their rallies into marathons. I can safely guarantee that only 20% of the protesters will finish to the end of the rallies. The rest of them will just take a short cut to the finishing line and wait for lucky draws.
• And to sweeten the deal, the permits to be approved, i.e. the approved permits (also known as AP), can be sold to middle-men who can then make a lawful gain by selling it to the rally organisers, hence creating jobs and contributing to the overall economy.

So, my dear policemen and policewomen whom I both fear and respect, please consider my simple, non-convoluted and non-partisan suggestion.

Issue permits to all rallies. It's a cure for all your headaches.

In fact, since it is my birthday today, I will prove how patriotic I am by wishing that all the permits that all organisers of rallies, be it Bersih 2.0, Perkasa or Umno Youth, is finally granted, and Malaysia will be a shining beacon to the rest of the world (instead of the laughing stock that we are now - I mean, come on, banning yellow coloured T-Shirts?)

This Is Still A Men's World, Apparently (Part I)

I find it surprising that the liberal minded people of this country, who repeatedly denounces racial based affirmative policies of the Government, wasn't up in arms with the Prime Minister's announcement yesterday of a Cabinet approved target of 30% women representation in listed companies' decision making positions (i.e. board of directors).

The principles that form the foundation of calls for national laws and policies based on pure meritocracy doesn't seem to apply when it comes to the struggle for gender equality.

Where I draw similarities in both these imbalances in racial and gender share of the economic pie is given as follows:

• Both groups are perceived to be at an unfair disadvantage, a result of the many years of discrimination and bias.
• Intervention or affirmative actions by the Government is seen as necessary to correct the imbalances, such as setting quotas, awarding of contract or positions based on race/gender.
• Lofty arbitrary targets are set which are difficult to achieve especially given the missteps in implementation of these policies, leading to indefinite extension of said targets and failed policies. For example, the 30% NEP target for bumiputera's corporate ownership has been used many times by politicians to push forward affirmative policies in the name of bumiputera's economic advancement and to safeguard their interest.

Opponents of the NEP and its affirmative policies have long cried foul over the culture of corruption and cronyism that is birthed by said policies. Governing along racial lines is not limited only to equity ownership of companies, it also includes award of Government tenders, sale of real property, distribution of scholarships for tertiary education, etc. Detractors insist that these policies cripple the advancement of the country while sidelining qualified non-bumiputera companies and businessmen.

I fail to reconcile how the above arguments against affirmative actions for bumiputeras cannot be used similarly in contesting the affirmative policies for women in boardrooms. The adoption of such policies means that if a man and a woman are both similarly qualified for a vacant position at a company's board, the decision will ultimately be based on their gender.

In some extreme cases, in order to meet the Government's 30% target, an under qualified female member of the board may be appointed just to make up the quota.

Conversely, a board composition that already has 30% women representation may choose to remain status-quo, and overlook suitable women candidates without any concern of being reprimanded by the Government.

I admit though, that there is a disconnect between the number of female undergraduates and the number of female employees in the workforce. Women have excelled in education and the number of women graduates have since a number of years back, surpassed their male counterparts. This hints strongly at a discriminatory environment in the offices of corporate Malaysia, and the existence of the proverbial "glass ceiling".

However, I don't think the government's approach towards attaining equality among gender is the correct one. According to reports, the first step to be taken is to implement these targets at Government Linked Companies ("GLC"), and other government controlled/regulated organisations such as banks, financial institutions and the civil service. They will then attempt to "persuade" the public listed companies and the remaining corporate industries to adopt these targets. No definition of "persuasion" is given.

Instead of mandating arbitrary targets and forcing them down the throats of companies, the Government should instead focus on a two pronged strategy.

One, channel additional funds to organisations which provides training to aspiring women leaders of the corporate world.

Two, legislate against companies that practices discriminatory policies against women employees. A recent class action lawsuit filed in the United States against Walmart by its female employees may still be in the midst of legal battle in the Supreme Courts, but it serves as an example for companies guilty of not ridding itself of gender biased cultures.

The Managing Editor of The Malaysian Insider, Joan Lau sums it up by writing "what women want is not mandated representation [but] we want equal opportunities”.

As can be observed from the implementation of affirmative economic policies, blind adherence to a subjective target and a misguided approach will lead to a disequilibrium wreck that is the condition of our country, where only the top few percentages are enriched while the income gap between the poor and the rich further widens. Similarly, questions should be asked if such policies to compel a target on women representation in companies is immediately worthy of applause and revere.

(Note: For the record, I believe that it is unnecessary for me to state that I am not a chauvinistic pig. You may form your own opinions of me. After all, I had the freedom to express mine.)