A Drunk Driving Cautionary Tale

Read on the net, at The Curious Diary of Mr. Jam (http://mrjam.typepad.com/diary/).

THOUGHT-PROVOKING note from reader Barbara Dyer:

“A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived home safely, without incident. This was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where the %$& I got it from.”

Haha. Brilliant!

I AM A HATER...

...I hate racism.

...I hate corruption.

...I hate typso.

...I hate prejudice.

...I hate loud chatter in elevators.

...I hate stupid people.

..which means I hate most people other than me (although some days I deserve to be hated by myself)

...I hate spam emails.

...I hate rainy days when I'm outdoors.

...I hate sunny days when I'm stuck indoors.

...I hate doubters, especially since I doubt myself enough.

...I hate friends who expects me to be entertaining, even when I am not.

...I hate thin people who complains about being fat.

...As of today, I really hate motorcyclist who flouts the traffic rules, and yet when an accident occurs, they are well protected by the legal and insurance systems.

...I hate boredom, and boring people (i.e. people who are boring, and situations where I bore people)

Financial Crisis: A History of Greed (Speech)

The following was presented as a toastmaster speech Project No 3 on 15 November 2011 at Menara Great Eastern.

Ladies & gentlemen,

In 2008, the world witnessed the collapse of financial markets around the world. Organizations like Lehman Brothers, Fannie May and Freddie Mac, previously unheard of outside the United States of America, were thrust into public consciousness in the aftermath of their disintegration.

The effect of the 2008 Global Financial Crisis, better known in this part of the world as the “GFC”, was felt throughout the entire world. In China alone, it is estimated that almost 20 million jobs were lost as a direct result of the GFC. Closer to home, Southeast Asian countries such as Malaysia suffered extreme slowdown in GDP growth and weakened currencies.

Many Malaysians were of course also impacted on a personal level. Companies introduced cost cutting measures such as salary and promotion freeze, lower bonuses and elimination of funding for non-essential activities such as sports. Some companies even resorted to retrenchment to stay afloat.

Three years on, many believed that the worst is over. Financial markets seem to have stabilized. The increase in consumer spending and the return of the stock market to pre-crisis level have raised hopes that although the United States and Europe are still mired in economic stagnation and debt crisis, the Asian countries have finally made a successful decoupling from the Western economies, and will see many better years to come.

I sincerely beg to differ.

First and foremost, let us examine the reason why crisis such as the GFC occurs.

In the years preceding the GFC, in the US Government’s attempt to encourage home ownership, banks and mortgage companies started offering cheap mortgages to people who would usually not be able to afford them. The huge influx of cheap credit led to the creation of a housing bubble, and when home prices suddenly dipped, many people realized that the amount that they owed the banks were substantially higher than what their houses are now worth, a situation known as “under-water” properties.

These sub-prime mortgages, so called because they came with a higher risk of default by the debtors, were then sliced and diced through a process called securitization and then resold to other financial institutions and investment funds. Venerable institutions such as Lehman Brothers and Bear Sterns bought truckloads of these securitized assets, deceived by the high interest returns it generates and the false safety of AAA ratings from various reputable rating agencies.

Then, when the proverbial house of cards collapsed, it brought to their knees the aforementioned two banks, and because of the pervasiveness and interconnectivity of our global financial framework, its impact was even felt in Indonesia, where renowned economist and author, Joseph Stiglitz spoke to a fund manager who felt guilty exposing her clients to the shaky American market via purchases of the securitized assets.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Let me share another cautionary tale.

On June 2009, Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison for running a Ponzi scheme that defrauded thousands of investors of an estimated 18 billion dollars. A Ponzi scheme is one where the monies from new investors are used to pay the returns of earlier investors, with little or no actual investment activity to generate legitimate returns.

Bernie Madoff was able to attract investors with promises of a consistent return even in times of financial market turmoil. Although red flags were raised as early as 1999, they were ignored by both the regulators and the investors as long as Bernie Madoff’s fund continued to pay the returns it promises and furnishes the required records and documents of its operations (these documents were later found to have been falsified).

Ladies and gentlemen,

Besides the loss of savings and livelihood of the victims, there is another common thread that runs through the two examples that I’ve just shared, and that is:

“Human greed”

Whether corporate greed, or individual greed, such recklessness were evident throughout the entire finance fiasco:

- The mortgage companies who earn a commission regardless of the quality of the mortgages it creates.

- The bankers who securitizes the mortgages and sells it to investors.

- The rogue investment fund managers such as Bernie Madoff who runs massive financial scams

- Even the investors who allows their own judgment to be clouded by promises of high rates of returns, no matter how unrealistic they may be.

Another prime example of greed ruining societal progress is the ongoing debt crisis in Greece which is rooted in the mismanagement of resources and excessive borrowing by their government in their attempt to sustain unsustainable public spending, which had, in years before the crisis, helped its citizens to one of the highest standards of living in the world. This included lavish bonuses for employees of its civil services (which size is highly bloated) and one of the lowest retirement age in the European Union. Corruption was rife, and there were even allegations of sweetheart deals to contractors to build infrastructure for events like the 2006 Summer Olympics.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Have we done enough to prevent another financial crisis of this magnitude?

Have we demanded that our elected policymakers and legislators enact regulations to ensure that such corporate greed is reined in?

From my personal observations, the answer is an unequivocal “NO”.

Prior to the GFC, senior executives of large banks were paying themselves handsome bonuses every year, both in cash bonuses and stock options. The Chairman and CEO of Goldman Sachs, Mr. Lloyd Blankfein, took home in 2007 nearly 68 million dollars, the largest ever bonus given to a Wall Street CEO, one year after setting the same record in 2006 for a bonus of 54 million dollars. When the crisis hit, Mr. Blankfein forfeited his bonus in 2008 (anything else would be unacceptable, as the bank had just received tax payer’s money in the form of government bailout). However, post crisis, the bank quickly reverted to its old habits, by awarding Mr. Blankfein with 9 million dollars in 2009, and doubling it the next year to 18 million dollars.

This culture of high bonuses is not isolated to just the United States, as even the UK government is having a torrid time fighting to exert control over the banks compensation and bonuses, to bring it down to a “reasonable level”.

Corporations which were deemed too big to fail, such as the aforementioned Goldman Sachs, grew even bigger after the crisis, as the bailout funds given were perceived to indicate that in the event of any future crisis, the government will step in to ensure the survival of these organizations, i.e. a blank check guarantee.

New regulations which were supposed to accompany the bailout were quickly lobbied against and forgotten, and these organizations which caused the systemic collapse of the financial markets in the first place found themselves back in a position not quite so different from before the crisis.

On the local front, Malaysia has been running a deficit for the past 15 years, with no signs of abating, and similar to Greece, has a big civil service which recently came under the scrutiny of the Opposition party. Also similar to Greece is the persistent corruption which has led to the coining of the terms “crony capitalism” and Malaysia Incorporated. The Auditor-General’s Report released last month highlighted numerous wastages and mismanagement of public funds in many government departments and ministries.

Are we being too greedy as a country? Are we so addicted to subsidies and a welfare state that we are blinded to the risks that have been illustrated by the downfall of Greece?

Ladies and gentlemen,

I wish that I would be able to offer solutions to all that are afflicting our financial markets and the real economy, but that would require a little more than the time that I’ve been allocated, as well as an expertise that I admit I do not currently possess. However, from what I’ve shared, I hope that I have made it clear that at the heart of all the mess that we find ourselves in, and the reason that I believe we are not out of the woods yet, is that human greed still dictates the way the world and the markets are managed, and our leaders do not have the political will to introduce regulations to reduce the possibility of another collapse.

To quote an often used movie line by Gordon Gecko in the 1987 movie, Wall Street, “the point is, ladies and gentlemen that greed, for lack of a better word, is good”, and although the fictional character Mr. Gecko ends up jailed, his real life counterparts are laughing all the way to the bank, and no doubt has no intention of ever renouncing the “greed is good” doctrine.

Thank you.

The Week In Review 1: Making Sense Of Nonsense

Round up of all the crazy in Malaysia and around the world.

"Have Orgies, Ghost Style" says Obedient Wives Club

The Obedient Wives Club (OWC) is a club that just keeps giving, not just to their husbands (obviously) but also to the media and the public at large for their penchant for making crazy statements, some downright ridiculous but mostly laugh out loud funny.

Their latest book, the wordily titled "Seks Islam - Perangi Yahudi Untuk Kembalikan Seks Islam Kepada Dunia" (Sex in Islam - Wage War Against Jews To Return Islamic Sex To The World) preaches, according to the club's founder and the author of the book, Hatijah Aam, that a Muslim man can apparently channel the super human powers of Multiple Man (Marvel copyrighted), and "appear in multiple apparitions and have sex with his wives even though they are in separate locations"!

She continued by saying that they "never said that a man can have an orgy with all his wives on the same bed. That is not allowed".

So apparently, according to OWC, orgies are only allowed when you are f**king your many wives with an imaginary d**k.

Man...to think that I was about to throw my whole support behind OWC a week ago when they first touted the idea that orgies should be commonplace as a "f**k you" towards the Jews.

Raising Our Own Toilets & Flushing Our Own Kids

We as Malaysians have not done either for so long, we've forgotten which to raise and which to flush, and this is primarily due to our dependency on foreign maids.

Well, it is time for us to whip out those parenting manual because we have apparently abuse one too many Cambodians and Indonesian maids.

With Indonesia rightly not lifting the moratorium on their ban of sending their country folks to Malaysia, Cambodia followed suit and announced recently that they will no longer be sending any maids here, citing alleged abuses, rapes and murders of Cambodian maids at the hands of Malaysian slave drivers.

Many have stood up to defend our country from such allegations, but I suggest that we not only understand the positions that Indonesia and Cambodia find themselves in, but also to learn from the actions that their governments are taking. The direction that our economy and ringgit is going, it may not be far-fetched that decades down the road, instead of importing labor, we may find ourselves exporting our sons and daughters as construction workers and maids to these countries.

Himpun: A Gathering Of A Million In A Stadium That Seats 69,372?

Talk about failing mathematics. 'Nuff said.

A Death In China: A Wake Up Call For The Rest Of The World

Today, a week after being struck by two vans in Beijing, with both drivers fleeing the scene, two-year old Yue Yue has succumbed to brain and organ injuries.

Accidents like this happen every day, but the astonishing bit of this tragic incident is the fact that it was witnessed by no fewer than 18 passers-by, and not a single one went to the toddler's aid until it was too late.

A similar incident happened in New York, March 13 1964, when the murder of Kitty Genovese shocked America not just because of the brutality of the crime and sexual assault, but also because there were allegedly 36 potential eye-witnesses who were in the opposite apartment beside the pavement which was the scene of the stabbing, but none of them did anything to try halting the attack, or at least to call the cops.

A few theories were suggested to explain why none of the witnesses in the Genovese murder were willing to help the woman.

Some opines that it proved the moral decline of society and the increasing apathy that breeds in a fast moving industrial nation. Others theorises the "Bystander Effect", where contrary to common expectations, larger numbers of bystanders decrease the likelihood that someone will step forward and help a victim. The reasons include the fact that onlookers see that others are not helping either, that onlookers believe others will know better how to help, and that onlookers feel uncertain about helping while others are watching.

The unwillingness of the passers-by to help Yue Yue as she lies dying on the road was, however, attributed to their fear of facing court action should they be blamed for the accident itself.

A preposterous notion and an unacceptable defence, until you hear of documented and widely reported cases in China where good Samaritans who came to the aid of elderly folks who were involved in auto accidents being sued by the victims of the accidents, and losing the court decision because, as one of the sitting judge states in a suit brought against one such Samaritan, Peng Yu,  "one wouldn't come to the aid of another unless one is guilty of injuring the victim in the first place".

My take on this? Well, if you have to waste precious seconds to consider the risk of legal action while a child lies in front of you, bleeding and barely clinging on to life, I think you have already lost a huge part of your humanity. It doesn't take someone good or kind to do something to help. All it should have taken was for someone with a semblance of common sense and an instinct to protect and save a young life.

Sigh.

Lin Dan & His Patriotic Sense Of Duty

In this year's edition of Denmark Open, badminton extraordinaire Lin Dan of China crashed out in the quarter final stage to Wong Wing Ki of Hong Kong, People's Republic of China.

The number of times where Lin Dan concedes walkovers to his mainland China compatriots has raised suspicion that there is a conspiracy to manage the ranking of the Chinese players to field their strongest and largest contingent to the Olympics. It seems like his patriotism extends beyond mainland China to even the Special Administrative Regions ("SAR") of China.

In the words of a friend, Jay Ween, "after helping China players, now helping Hong Kong players. Macau players next?"

The World Celebrates Gadhafi's Death

Gadhafi, Muammar 1942 - 2011

Today, in less than six months after the world "witness" the demise of Osama Bin Laden, we again celebrate the death of another man guilty of crimes against humanity and injustice against his own people, the sons and daughters of Libya.

Why then, if this man is so universally reviled and despised, do I feel uncomfortable that we are congratulating each other for his passing, his murder?

Why do I feel a tinge of sadness in how the whole Libyan revolution has unfolded?

Is it because I fear that violence begets violence, and the merciless disposal of the deposed despotic dictator will continue the cycle of killing and destruction?

How can millions of people come face to face with the picture of a bloodied corpse of a human being, either in the newspapers or on television, and yet continue tucking in their morning breakfast of cereal with milk and bacon?

Response to "Quotes From Malik Imtiaz Sarwar on Hudud Law"

The following is a reproduction of a comment from an old friend, Mr. Wilson Tay, a lawyer by profession, a fervent debater, and a fearless football goalkeeper, in response to an earlier post written by me.

I chose to re-post his comment verbatim for the excellent points that he made, and even though I may not agree with every single one of them, it provides an interesting insight on whether religion should play a role in governance of a country.

Thank you Wilson for sharing your thoughts, and thank you for allowing me to share it with others.

Justin,


Congratulations on a well-written article.


May I invite you to consider another perspective on the issue, as raised by the MP for Kota Raja in a letter which The Star (surprisingly) published on Sunday:


http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2011/10/9/focus/9662360&sec=focus


Mr Malik Imtiaz is a highly respected human rights lawyer, and given his background, I agree with you that "it's not surprising where he stands on this issue".


I want to suggest, however, that this idea of defining faith as "self-fulfilment" and "secular state" are characteristic of an attempt to relegate faith to a strictly individual level, and to deny any role for faith in matters of government.


This originates from a classically Western conception of "separation of church and state", particularly as enshrined in the United States where of late the First Amendment has been interpreted to require that the state refrain from being associated with all things religious.


Separation of church and state is however not a feature of governments based on the Islamic model, where Islam is described as "syumul", constituting in and of itself a complete and exemplary way of life to be aspired to. For Muslim governments and governments that aspire to be Muslim, there is not the same aversion to mixing matters of religion and matters of government; indeed, government is required to be based on the tenets of religion.


And this also brings me to another point I wish to make, which is that liberal Western society has entrenched the exclusion of religious values from the sphere of public decision-making. This is classically conceptualised in exhortations not to "impose one's religious principles on others". This is one way of looking at things. It may or may not be the right way.


Should decision-makers in government not be allowed to resort to religious imperatives in deciding public policies? What if a religion articulates principles that serve the public good, such as deterring crime and promoting public health - should these principles be viewed negatively simply because they emanate from religious foundations?


Lastly, I think many participants in this debate, on both sides, are "talking past each other" simply because they start from very different premises. Opponents of hudud tend to start by presuming that law must have secular content. However, this is not necessarily so for a Muslim legislator such as the Menteri Besar of Kelantan. For either side to force the other to debate on its terms is akin to pushing a square peg into a round hole.

"When Death Came To Me Last Night"

Death came to me in a dream last night,

In his black cloak He stood by my bed's side.

Strangely, there were neither fear nor fright,

As I stared at this foreboding aphotic sight.

He spoke in a voice not unlike my own,

Ominous and certain, yet in a soothing tone.

He said, "Son, you are going to die today,

Unless you do exactly as I say".

"When dawn breaks, and the day begins ,

Go to the mirror and seek the person for which it contains".

"Tell him with conviction, with assuredness, in one single breath,

That you choose life, and not an early death."

"A life of purpose, a life of convivial,

And not merely one of survival".

The apparition disappeared, my eyes opened, I gazed at my lover,

But soon drifted back to sleep as I pulled her closer.

Though I'm convinced a dream was all it is,

or was it, do I dare not heed this warning of His?

As much as this poem is about death, it is also about life.

I found it interesting that in my dream, the one being that has been tasked to serve a reminder about the importance of living your life to the fullest, came from the Grim Reaper himself, the purveyor of death and the end of life.

Strange how this dream refuses to fade away.

Quotes from Malik Imtiaz Sarwar on Hudud Law

For many a month, I've avoided listening to the local business radion channel, BFM, in the morning on my way to work, due to the myriad of interviews with CEOs of various companies and conglomerates, who seemed more concerned with self promotion and reading from a prepared script about how great their companies are.

However, in this morning's segment before The Breakfast Grill, there was a brief interview with one Mr. Malik Imtiaz Sarwar, the President of Malaysian National Human Rights Society, discussing the current debate on the possibility of implementing Hudud Law in Malaysia.

Coming from a human rights lawyer, it's not surprising where he stands on this issue.

However, what made me nod vigorously in agreement and shouting "Yes" at the radio were some of the things that he said, and the way he said it.

"Faith is not about CONTROL. Faith is about self-fulfilment"

I wonder when will society wake up from its slumber and realises that religion has been hijacked by a minority to exert control and influence over the majority. This problem is not isolated to just one religion. From mosques to churches to temples, the lines between politics and faith has been blurred so much so that it is now easy for a politician to raise his profile. All he has to do is to choose between one of the many religion based issues and stir up the proverbial hornets' nest by playing to the peoples' emotions and blind faith and loyalty to their imams and pastors and temple leaders.

It is time for society to reject such posturing and recognise religion and faith for what it really is, a journey that can only be travelled by oneself, and not a tool to be misused by those with political ambitions.

Religion/race-based governance is becoming out of date, but in my opinion, just not fast enough.

"A secular country is not one which is empty, but one which is neutral. If the government can guarantee a secular state, then religion dialogue can be conducted in an amicable manner."

There is a growing need for dialogue among the various religions in the country. As the nation progresses, more and more issues on the co-existence of different religions are bound to arise. Based on the current emotionally charged environment, such dialogue is not possible, and will probably lead to some extreme sections screaming for blood and accusation of blasphemy or monarchy insults.

The government of the day must have the will to step in and ensure neutrality without fear of offending any of their voting base. I don't foresee this happening anytime soon though, since matters of religion have always been the easiest way to fish for votes, and you can see the same issues being highlighted and battled over the political sphere every time an election looms near.

A clear evidence of this is the current war of words over the implementation of Hudud Law. At first glance, most Malaysians seem horrified by the idea of our family and friends being subjected to a set of laws that includes stoning to death an adulterer, removing the hands of a thief, and a near impossible burden of proof on an alleged victim when he/she accuses another of rape. However, these negative views have been widely reported and propagated by the main stream media, which we all know is just another mouth piece for the ruling government, and may represent an unbalanced perception of the Hudud Law.

I challenge proponents of this law to come forth and explain to the masses what are the specific advantages of implementing a set of laws which will only apply to Muslims.

Thus far, the only defence I've heard is either:

• "To be a truly Islamic state/society, we need to apply the religion of Islam holistically, and that includes the application of Hudud Laws'. Any consequences or tangible benefits from its application is never mentioned, and remains vague at best; or
• "We suggest that those who do not understand Islamic laws refrain from commenting on it. Please enrol in any Islamic university and obtaining the relevant qualification prior to making any any comments against the implementation of Hudud laws".

This doesn't bode well for the Islamic scholars of our country. If they can articulate the benefits of the Hudud Law and communicate them to the country, it may finally put an end to this incendiary issue.

The reasoned voices of people like Mr. Sarwar resonates loud and clear among the majority of Malaysians, and I hope, will continue to do so for as long as our Malaysian society of various background, race and religion, remains worthy of being fought for. If it ever gets drowned out by rhetoric from a few, then I guess it will be time to throw in the towel in your luggage bags, pack up and leave.

I pray that day never comes.

Talentime: The Results

When I first thought of writing this post, I wanted to fill it with my disappointments, my regrets, analyzing over every minute detail of the performance, what I did wrong, where I could have done better, and the dejected feeling of losing.

However, after sleeping on it for a good 8 hours, I start to realise that that shouldn't be what I focus on. Although I might still pepper the post with a little bit of negativity here and there, it shouldn't be the main take away from my virginal experience of singing solo in front of a ballroom full of strangers.

Instead, this series of posts will serve as a record of my experience from the point I received the email from the organising committee of Great Eastern's Annual Dinner & Dance 2011 announcing the talent competition, to, well, this morning, when me and Jean talked about it.

Keeping in tradition with the way I like to write, lets start from the end, the announcement of the result, and jump around with no respect of a perceivable chronological timeline.

My team and I didn't place. We got a consolation prize, which was RM 588. The consolation prize is given to the remaining 3 teams that did not place first to second runners up.

I cannot deny that it was disappointing. Was I completely taken by surprise by the results? Since I messed up the lyrics twice during the performance, it should have been expected, but my hopes that other aspects of the performance might still make up for the mistakes were obviously misplaced.

However, I have to state that I was a little surprised that some teams which I thought performed better than others didn't get the results that, in my humble opinion, they deserved.

Of course, it wasn't up to me how the 3 judges scored the remaining teams. Personal preferences for dance over song, showmanship over technique dictated their scoring and although others may see it differently, the fact that 90% of the results were determined by these appointed judges can't be changed.

The champions of the night was Mat Bunga, a Latin dance troupe with elaborate dance steps and costumes, and the runners up was another dance crew, D'Truth who performed a hip hop dance. Second runner up was the local rock star, Abang Salleh who can probably give Faizal Tahir, a guest artiste of the night, a run for his money. The remaining teams were my team, comprising of Fikri, Rachel, KC and myself, Iconic, a team that performed puppetry to the Guns & Roses song, "Sweet Child of Mine", and another solo singer with her keyboardist, Yien Li and Ying Shih respectively.

Yien Li and Ying Shih produced a beautiful medley of Siti Nurhaliza's "Bukan Cinta Biasa", a Theresa Teng mandarin classic and Dan Hill's "Sometimes When We Touch" which I thought should have warranted a first to third placing.

However, reflecting on last night's dinner, Yien Li/Ying Shih's placing was not the only thing that didn't go as expected.

Practicing in a closed surrounding with the acoustics that I am more familiar with, everything seemed pitch perfect. There were no missed words, and each note was well controlled. What I hadn't factored in though were the nerves that creep up on you when you are on stage.

Forgetting the first sentence to the first song was bad enough. While looking at a recording of the performance this morning, I noticed that I was holding the microphone too close and ended up singing loudly into it, without the proper amount of control that I should have exerted. My mistakes kept piling up when I somehow sang "complicate" instead of "compliment" in my second song.

I knew from the second I stepped down from the stage that I would be beset with negative thoughts, and I needed to rein in those emotions so that I do not appear too distressed in front of my fellow team members and our colleagues. I needed a few minutes to myself, but not before I thanked all three of them for their effort. An apology wasn't appropriate that time. It was after all, a performance that despite the mistakes, everyone, including myself (although I really had to convince myself) should be proud of.

Internally there is this struggle to allow the disappointment to completely engulf oneself and hide in a corner, or to take pride in our little performance despite its flaws, and face the crowd with courage.

I texted and spoke to a few close friends, spoke to Jean briefly, and shared my misery with only a selected few.

I decided, though, that I would not allow myself to wallow in self-pity. Well, at least not for too long.

After lounging at the corridors for a good 15 to 20 minutes, I took a deep breath and went back into the ballroom to take my seat among my fellow internal auditors, and receive a warm welcome from them. They were generous in their support for me and for that, I am grateful. After a few high fives, I tucked into the food that has been left for me.

Oh how I ate. I made sure that not a single morsel of food was left on the plates. Within 10 minutes, I had a mini mountain of small plates stacked by the side, not unlike what you see in sushi restaurants. Immannuel commented that he has never seen me as hungry as I was last night, but after a week of avoiding fried and spicy food to partial success, this was my redemption, my prize at the end of a month-long struggle and hard work.

I was a spent force by the end of the evening. I was exhausted, my eyes were tired, there was a distinct lack of energy in every fiber of my being, and although I could have used a beer or two with good company, I knew that what was most important was that I get back home and get the sleep that my body craved.

My night came to an end when I finally planted my face deep into the comforts of my pillow at 2 in the morning, but this tale is far from over. This is the end, but the beginning is just about to start.

Get An Inbox! Campaign

This is another rant in my continuing struggle against Facebook status updates which gets on my nerves.

After seeing one too many mushy updates from my friends about their boyfriends and girlfriends, I started a little research in my free time and came across this term.

"Get An Inbox!"

Urban Dictionary (http://www.urbandictionary.com/) defines it as follows:

Derived from the expression "get a room." When couples constantly leave romantic, mushy or suggestive messages on each other's Facebook wall for everyone else to see, someone else may tell them to "get an inbox already" and carry on in private.



Sadie: I love you SO FUCKING MUCH ahhhhhhh Im gonna die from how much I love you <3 <3 <3


Ian: me too bby


Me: holy shit guys, get an inbox

We may live in an era where the Kardashian sisters can be famous for being famous, no discernible talent and with the help of a devious little 21st century tool called the sex tape, but this type of over-exposure by the ordinary Joes and Janes needs to be curtailed right in its bud.
 
If you are guilty of the above, I plead for you to recognise the calamitous amount of your friends' hair that you are making stand on their ends, a condition known as "horripilation".
 
If you are a victim of horripilation, join me in my campaign to clean up Facebook, and to denounce the practice of excessive gushing and mushy lovey dovey messages which shows up on your news feed.
 
Please make a substantial donation to me while I take time off work to draft a memorandum to be submitted to the Agong, with the ultimate objective to pass a legislation in Parliment prohibiting such messages in the public domain.
 
Join the Get An Inbox! campaign, today!

Belum: An Adventure of James Bond Proportion (The Conclusion)

There comes a time in a man's life when he is faced with the option of either taking up oars and paddle against the current...

...or lazily lie on the lawn chairs of life and let the days pass them by idly.

For the Kuans, the final morning of their expedition brought with it the excitement of maneuvering solo or in a team, a kayak or a bamboo raft.

The more adventurous ones chose the fast moving but unstable kayaks...

...while the bamboo rafts provided the chance to experience a whole new way of gliding through the waters...

...and an opportunity to experiment of paddling in a unique fashion...

...with your bare hands while lying flat on your stomach.

The final mission, which was delivered in the form of a self exploding teddy bear held by the most adorable girl (who was suffocating the bear with the poly bag)...

...was to leave your hand prints on the bridge which connects Pulau Banding, which lies in the middle of Lake Temenggor, to the mainland.

Few made it, and felt better for achieving it, but for those who did not, well, didn't know that that was what was expected of them.

Many emerged from their kayaks and rafts as dry as a marathon runners throat after 30 KM, but those with balancing problems and a high center of gravity had to contend with walking back to camp drenched from head to toe.

The last leg of the journey consisted of going hunting for pork chop again for lunch at Lenggong, and the best hawker fare that Ipoh has to offer.

The Kuan convoy finally returned to Kuala Lumpur (which, ironically, in English, means "muddy estuary") around midnight, eager for a shower and their warm bed and a long weekend of unpacking to do.
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For more photos of the Kuan's family expedition, please visit my Facebook photos at:

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150303220492908.361003.591312907&l=ee90234844&type=1

For more information on Belum Rainforest Resort, please visit their website at:

http://www.belumresort.com/

Belum: An Adventure of James Bond Proportion (Part II)

With their life in the balance, the Kuans turned on the charm offensive.

They first befriended the aboriginal children (although some, like the one right in front, were more difficult than others to charm). For this, they sent their two most childish and childlike operatives...

...these two.



Then, they offered to help the women with their laundry, an idea that was quickly abandoned when the city folks in the Kuans realised there was not a single washing machine in sight.

In the end, the Operation leader stood tall with pride with his second-in-command and declared "Mission Accomplished".

After successfully pacifying the aborigines, the Kuans continued with their search for the foul-smelling Rafflesia plant. This was a little more arduous and demanding than expected. After another 30 minutes boat ride and a 20 minute traversing up a muddy hike, negotiating slippery rocks and the constant voice (both from inside their own head and from all the mothers and fathers in the group) that repeatedly screams "Rat urine, rat urine", the majority of the Kuans finally made it to where the plants are.

Their joy, although evident on each of their faces, were short lived, as the fabled largest flower in the world had yet to bloom, and all that was there to see were this; black nodules on a tree trunk.

Lunch meant another hike into enemy territory, the Royal Belum Ruok Waterfall, a forest reserve run by the locals...

...but ruled by a minion of leeches and their king leech with his sinister looking crown...

...and is assisted by his ethereal looking niece, perched on her sharp edged rock, whose mythical singing is said to lure Iraqi (or was it French, or maybe Lebanon) holiday goers to their rocky demise.

The Kuans were in no shape to overcome the danger they faced, not after lunch of only a couple of thinly spread sandwiches, and a fried chicken each (by the looks of the size, in most probability kampung chicken), and their only resistance were two scrawny operatives, both with less than desirable eye sights. 

And so the Kuans slowly made their way back to where their boats were anchored, down slippery slopes of mud (while protecting their designer Kipling handbags)...

...underneath the blazing hot sun...

...and through the thick thorny undergrowth.

With only a few leech bites, muddy buttocks and a few missing shoe soles to report, the day was considered wildly successful.

As the Kuans bid farewell to the iridescent emerald waters of Lake Temenggor for the day, there is no doubt that there was a sense of achievement within everyone.

Wait, wait.

The fat lady hasn't sang (although a fat man was belting out "Just The Way You Are" two nights in a row) and this tale has yet to end.

What other perilous danger lurks just beyond the corner, waiting patiently for the Kuans, plotting like a bunch of gluttons craving for a second helping of pork chop?

What will the final leg of this epic adventure entail?

Stay tuned for the concluding episode of Belum: An Adventure of James Bond Proportion.

Belum: An Adventure Of James Bond Proportion (Part 1)

On 31 August 2011, at precisely 7.00 a.m. (give or take an hour for the chronically late), 43 members of the covert group, codenamed "the Kuans", set out on a treacherous journey to the northern most part of Perak, close to the Thailand tumultuous southern borders, in search of adventure, danger and a good time with family.

This is their story.

The two black cars lie awaiting in the streets under the first break of dawn - waiting to join the rest of the convoy in Rawang's highway rest stop.

Breakfast was a spread of nasi lemak, mee goreng, sandwiches, hard boiled eggs, yam cake, sausage buns.

Three tables were quickly filled underneath the white tent, which shielded its temporary visitors from the morning downpour.

There were many operatives who doubled up as waiters, distributing the food and helping to buy drinks. An elder of the group played disc jockey ("DJ") by blasting Mandarin classics from a portable music player (even though this was bound to irritate our fellow Muslim highway travellers who was, no doubt, in their Raya mood) and one channeled his inner janitor by helping to clean up after everyone else.



The sumptuous meal was concluded with the game of "passing around the sandwiches from car to car".

Out of the 9 cars, 4 were given the responsibility of ensuring ongoing communication by utilising the state-of-the-art walkie-talkies, a device thwarted only by a distance of more than 2 km and mountainous terrain. A challenge, considering Ipoh is known for its numerous limestone hills.

Communication was imperative to keep not just the driver awake, but to prevent anyone else in the car from getting a good rest. Of course, the usual reminders to prayers were not forgotten, and seeing how racism is not on the agenda, the Azan, the Buddhist chants of "Namoametabha" and even an Indian song were repeatedly announced over the aforementioned walkie talkie.

Before long, the Kuan's set up camp at another rest stop, this time just after the Ipoh toll exit.

Just like breakfast a mere 2 hours ago, food was distributed to the worn and weary, an entire pagoda was colonised and the announcement that the Kuans are Chinese and are proud of it was again made via the blasting of songs by the late great Theresa Teng.

The many challenges the Kuans faced on the road such as their growling stomachs (strange considering the amount of ration already consumed in the previous two stops) "forced" them to set up camp in Lenggong for lunch of fresh fish and delicious pork chops...

...and then later at Gerik for coffee, and for those who were famished again, toasted bread with butter and kaya  and prawn noodles (verdict for prawn noodles and toasted bread, average, although you wouldn't have guessed that by the number of empty plates and bowls left on the tables).

What was supposed to be a four and a half hour journey took the Kuans close to seven hours, and by the end of the day, some were secretly glad that the midnight trekking through the jungle was called off due to unfavorable weather.

On 1 September 2011, the hunt for the elusive tribes of aborigines (known locally as "orang asli" or the original people") and their highly protected medicinal plant, the Rafflesia (although it was later revealed that the plant has been proven years ago to cause kidney and liver failure if consumed, in other words, no different from beer) began by boat.

Within half an hour, the aboriginal settlements were located.

Women and children were kept out of harm's way...

...while the men tried to keep the Kuans away by using their magic blow darts.

Will the Kuans quest for friendship (or at worst, diplomatic relationship) with the aborigines ultimately end in failure?

Will they survive the onslaught of magic blow darts blown with immense accuracy by men dress in pink (sounds wrong, like http://www.men-in-pink-blows.com/ wrong)?

Will the men of Cheah Company and Tan Company finally find the cure for baldness in the form of Rafflesia powder?

Watch out for the Part 2 of this incredible journey into the heartlands of Perak.

Roger and OUT.

A Mini Tale From Belum: The Lake Temenggor Monster

The monster of Lake Temenggor is a fan of the Sleeping Buddha.

Remember that, the next time you dare venture into the emerald waters of his kingdom.

It was an uneventful day when we set out on our daily trips to the local river soup kitchen for our one meal a day, on our home made raft, known in local lingo as "rakit". We are poor that way...

Our faithful old raft - nicknamed Batmobile after another old rickety...
my black Myvi.

On the way, we decided to play the game "Sleeping Buddha or Victoria Secret".

The only difference between Sleeping Buddha and Victoria Secret
is the placement of your right arm.

I chose Victoria Secret.

Wrong choice.

The monster emerged unannounced from the deepest depth of the lake, and flipped us over as easily as one flips a booger after rolling it into the shape of a cannonball.

Strange how a monster of the deep needs a life jacket too.

Within seconds I found myself neck deep in water, at the mercy of the merciless beast.

My safety rakit only inches away from my flapping arms.

I was determined to not breathe my last inhaling the toxic fumes emanating from the lake, a result of the monster's obvious poor hygiene.

Note to self: Add a ladder at the side of the rakit

Just when I thought I was doomed, the monster decided not to consume me in view of his current low-fat diet.

I was NOT a happy camper..I mean, rafter, or rakiteer, up up
here we go

I survived to raft another day.

Who says being fat doesn't have its advantages?

Men: Through The Ages

At his very core and essence, men has not change since the Ice Age.

As compared to the fairer gender, men has steadfastly held on the the concept of simplicity, and outright rejected all complexities that women bring to the table.

To understand men, all you need to know are three things, and believe, even in another thousand years, this will still hold true.

(Note: Read this in an "ugh ugh", Neandarthal "Cavemen" style)

1. Men like food. Preferably with meat.

2. Men like sex. Prefarably with women.

3. Men like sports. Preferably without women.

So go forth, all ye woman who claims that your men are difficult to understand, and have a more understanding and loving relationship.

THE ULTIMATE SOLUTION TO BERSIH 2.0 & ANTI-BERSIH 2.0

Give ALL of them permits!

Look, since EVERYONE wants to rally, instead of threatening forceful crackdown on protesters and refusing to approve permits to everybody, why not allow everyone to have their say, and give them the freedom to assemble and rally in peace?

Before you write me off as a nut, consider the following:

• If you issue permits for all the rallies, instead of selected ones, ONE, you will not be accused of trampling on the right to free speech, and TWO, no one can label the police force of biasness and as mere puppets of the Government.
• If you think that the Malaysian police force doesn't have the manpower to monitor the rallies if they are approved, I put it to you that it will require even more personnel to operate water cannons, swing the batons and chase protesters down the alleys, than if all that the police need to do is just to direct traffic to allow the protesters to march without being mowed down by motor vehicles. Also, I am sure for just a day, the VVIPs can zip around town without their usual police escort, and these surpluses can be utilised to monitor the rallies.
• Re-brand the rallies as a peaceful parade for 1Malaysia. Anything that is tainted by the admittedly lame slogan will definitely drive the young hippies away from the event. You can also get Dato' Siti to sing the Negaraku, and since there are already silat exponents willing to spend their day on these rallies, why not get them to stage a performance as part the parade?
• But what about the shops in the vicinity whose business will be affected, as well as the loss in potential tourism money? Well, just take a look at Mardi Gras, the St. Patrick's Day parades and how much money is generated from these events! People from all over the world flock to catch a glimpse, and shops beg for the parades to pass by their street.
• Who will sponsor such a parade though? Besides all the unproven allegations that the rallies are already funded by shadowy associations like the Canadian Allied Foundation (Canada? Seriously? What harm can a country that Southpark ridicules on a daily basis inflict on us?), has anyone considered Digi? They already have obese men dress in yellow condoms as their mascot, so why not take advantage of the notoriety that the color yellow has already gain in recent days?
• Okay okay, I hear you. Malaysians can never pull of a Mardi Gras. But what's the worst that would happen if we fail to change the rally into a fun-loving parade free from violence with the main aim of attracting bone headed tourists, most probably from Canada (and possibly be heralded as an exemplary country for free speech)? We will end up with a boring parade through the streets of Kuala Lumpur with little or no interest from the general public, not unlike our annual National Day Parade.
• Issue the permits with the condition that all rally organisers convert their rallies into marathons. I can safely guarantee that only 20% of the protesters will finish to the end of the rallies. The rest of them will just take a short cut to the finishing line and wait for lucky draws.
• And to sweeten the deal, the permits to be approved, i.e. the approved permits (also known as AP), can be sold to middle-men who can then make a lawful gain by selling it to the rally organisers, hence creating jobs and contributing to the overall economy.

So, my dear policemen and policewomen whom I both fear and respect, please consider my simple, non-convoluted and non-partisan suggestion.

Issue permits to all rallies. It's a cure for all your headaches.

In fact, since it is my birthday today, I will prove how patriotic I am by wishing that all the permits that all organisers of rallies, be it Bersih 2.0, Perkasa or Umno Youth, is finally granted, and Malaysia will be a shining beacon to the rest of the world (instead of the laughing stock that we are now - I mean, come on, banning yellow coloured T-Shirts?)

This Is Still A Men's World, Apparently (Part I)

I find it surprising that the liberal minded people of this country, who repeatedly denounces racial based affirmative policies of the Government, wasn't up in arms with the Prime Minister's announcement yesterday of a Cabinet approved target of 30% women representation in listed companies' decision making positions (i.e. board of directors).

The principles that form the foundation of calls for national laws and policies based on pure meritocracy doesn't seem to apply when it comes to the struggle for gender equality.

Where I draw similarities in both these imbalances in racial and gender share of the economic pie is given as follows:

• Both groups are perceived to be at an unfair disadvantage, a result of the many years of discrimination and bias.
• Intervention or affirmative actions by the Government is seen as necessary to correct the imbalances, such as setting quotas, awarding of contract or positions based on race/gender.
• Lofty arbitrary targets are set which are difficult to achieve especially given the missteps in implementation of these policies, leading to indefinite extension of said targets and failed policies. For example, the 30% NEP target for bumiputera's corporate ownership has been used many times by politicians to push forward affirmative policies in the name of bumiputera's economic advancement and to safeguard their interest.

Opponents of the NEP and its affirmative policies have long cried foul over the culture of corruption and cronyism that is birthed by said policies. Governing along racial lines is not limited only to equity ownership of companies, it also includes award of Government tenders, sale of real property, distribution of scholarships for tertiary education, etc. Detractors insist that these policies cripple the advancement of the country while sidelining qualified non-bumiputera companies and businessmen.

I fail to reconcile how the above arguments against affirmative actions for bumiputeras cannot be used similarly in contesting the affirmative policies for women in boardrooms. The adoption of such policies means that if a man and a woman are both similarly qualified for a vacant position at a company's board, the decision will ultimately be based on their gender.

In some extreme cases, in order to meet the Government's 30% target, an under qualified female member of the board may be appointed just to make up the quota.

Conversely, a board composition that already has 30% women representation may choose to remain status-quo, and overlook suitable women candidates without any concern of being reprimanded by the Government.

I admit though, that there is a disconnect between the number of female undergraduates and the number of female employees in the workforce. Women have excelled in education and the number of women graduates have since a number of years back, surpassed their male counterparts. This hints strongly at a discriminatory environment in the offices of corporate Malaysia, and the existence of the proverbial "glass ceiling".

However, I don't think the government's approach towards attaining equality among gender is the correct one. According to reports, the first step to be taken is to implement these targets at Government Linked Companies ("GLC"), and other government controlled/regulated organisations such as banks, financial institutions and the civil service. They will then attempt to "persuade" the public listed companies and the remaining corporate industries to adopt these targets. No definition of "persuasion" is given.

Instead of mandating arbitrary targets and forcing them down the throats of companies, the Government should instead focus on a two pronged strategy.

One, channel additional funds to organisations which provides training to aspiring women leaders of the corporate world.

Two, legislate against companies that practices discriminatory policies against women employees. A recent class action lawsuit filed in the United States against Walmart by its female employees may still be in the midst of legal battle in the Supreme Courts, but it serves as an example for companies guilty of not ridding itself of gender biased cultures.

The Managing Editor of The Malaysian Insider, Joan Lau sums it up by writing "what women want is not mandated representation [but] we want equal opportunities”.

As can be observed from the implementation of affirmative economic policies, blind adherence to a subjective target and a misguided approach will lead to a disequilibrium wreck that is the condition of our country, where only the top few percentages are enriched while the income gap between the poor and the rich further widens. Similarly, questions should be asked if such policies to compel a target on women representation in companies is immediately worthy of applause and revere.

(Note: For the record, I believe that it is unnecessary for me to state that I am not a chauvinistic pig. You may form your own opinions of me. After all, I had the freedom to express mine.)