Do Ugly Babies Exist?

On lazy Sunday mornings like this, I like to just sit back, stare at the ceiling, put my hands in my pockets and ponder on some of life's most profound questions. Today, the following question has left me just a little stumped.

Do ugly babies exist?

Winston Churchill was born old. (Note: Photo on left is NOT Winston Churchill)

The PC police might lobby for legislation that prohibits the criticism of a defenceless baby based on his or her appearance, but really, when has the PC police ever been bothered about universal truths when they are too busy trying not to step on any one's toes.

If one were to rid themselves of the restraints that limit free and rational thinking, one would probably agree with me that not all babies are born adorable.

Simply put, it all boils down to genes. If an ugly man marries an ugly woman, and their baby looks like a mini Brad Pitt, chances are, said ugly woman cheated on her ugly man with Brad Pitt.

For as long as I can remember, even before the advent of the Internet, there has been baby contests. Back in those days, the baby photos submitted are judged by a faceless panel of judges, and the announcement of winners are done without much fanfare.

However, when a certain Harvard dropout unleashed the "Like" button on the world, baby contests have taken on a whole new level. Case in point, a recent baby contest held in Australia, hosted by Bonds, a clothing company.

According to the Yahoo article (Australian Beautiful Baby Contest Turns Ugly),  "Aussie mums were asked to send in pictures of their babies to the Bond Facebook page, but what was intended to be an opportunity to share adorable photos turned into a scathing commentary about the babies appearances".

Some comments were racists, such as one user who commented on a Eurasian baby's photo that "this is Bonds Australia, not Bonds Asia", while some were clearly written by people with no originality and probably a lack of a high school certificate, evidenced by comments such as "ugly ducking" and "a child only a mother could love". 

However, parents also have to share some of the blame. If you are willing to submit your children's photos for what amounts to nothing more than a beauty contest, then you have to be prepared that your little angel may not appear to be that angelic to everyone.

One of the parents of the babies in the Bond contest was so unable to accept the fact that her baby was anything but cute lodged a police report for the offensive comments her baby photos received. I wonder how that conversation went?

Police: Maam, what seems to be the problem?
Mum: I want to lodge a report against this person for calling my precious little baby ugly! Arrest him!
Police: Maam, would you like to put that cabbage you are holding down first before you make your report?
Mum: What cabbage? This IS my baby!
Police: Sorry maam. In that case, we can't arrest someone for telling the truth.

(I was going for the police to reply, "Maam, I thought you wanted to report a rape by Shrek which led to this abomination", but I think that would be too un-PC of me. Rape is not a joking matter, no matter how funny it may be in this context.)

Let's look at it this way. When a baby is crowned as the champion in a baby beauty contest, it means that he or she is more adorable than the baby who is crowned as runners-up, who in turn is judged as more adorable than the second runners up. Flip it around, and one may conclude that the baby placed third is uglier than the runners up, and the runners up is uglier than the champion.

Based on this sequence of logic, if you put all the babies in the world in a beauty contest, comparing from one baby to the another, you will have, say it with me, UGLY BABIES!

Don't get me wrong. As a former ugly baby, I am proof that while one does not grow out of ugliness entirely, it does get easier to live with. It would have been better, though, if the adults were more forthcoming with the level of my adorableness before setting me on a life of disappointment through the baby contest circuits.

Baby Justin

As a friend once said, "it's amazing how most babies, in the first few days after they are born, has all these wrinkles and looks like old people, but within weeks, turn into cherubic little things that you can't help but pepper with kisses all day long".

"He has got his dad's nose, his mum's eyes, and....his grandad's forehead?"

So if you are the parent of an ugly baby, don't fret. Just start putting aside a little more money for his future. Not for colleges or education, mind you, but for the sports car or the cool haircut that costs more than the budget of a third world country, that will be necessary for him or her to survive young adulthood with a mug "only a mother could love".

So, to end this rambling but thoughtful post, I leave you with a picture of the world's most disgusting baby.

So fat he can breastfeed himself

Enjoy the weekend!

The 10 Karaoke Commandments

A recent discourse with a friend on the less than savoury behaviours of people who haunts karaoke joints led to many interesting observations which I've decided would be beneficial for the karaoke community as a whole if they are known and adopted as the commandments for the religion of minus one songs.

This is in no way applicable to the dodgy karaoke joints with, ahem, paid company. In THOSE joints, as long as you have the money, no rules exist and anything goes.

Nope, these commandments are for the legitimate karaoke outlets where the only kisses you'll get are transferred via the microphones (more on that later).

And so, I give you, the 10 Karaoke Commandments:

1. THOU shalt not make out with the microphone

It's a mic, not a lollypop, or that other thing that you lick to make it firm....thread.

The microphones are shared, and it's bad enough it is covered with bacteria from orifices of strangers, but to see you stroking it gently while placing it's bulbous head on your lips while you sing? You can hold on to your slender cordless girlfriend, I'll just sit here NOT sharing your saliva.

2. THOU shalt not select songs for others

Not everyone likes Black Eyed Peas, just like not everyone likes the syrupy ballads of Jacky Cheung (although they should - he is God of Song). So while it is bearable to listen to others sing songs that you may not favour, it gets a little annoying to have others select songs that you dislike, and telling you that they chose if for you and you have to sing it.

3. THOU shalt not covet the songs selected by others

If I select a song first, even if you believe that song to be solely owned by you, too bad. I get to sing it. Hands of the microphone. However, if you are a pretty girl or good looking guy, I might share half the song with you - but if you think you are singing lead, dream on.

4. THOU shalt not select songs just to listen to the original singers sing

Go home and watch MTV or Youtube. It's cheaper.

5. THOU shalt not sit in a corner and play with that damn iPhone (forgivable if it is Blackberry)

You are paying close to a day's wages to be in the karaoke room. Similar to the previous point,  if you are going to spend that time showing the world how "cool" (read: anti-social) you are, or that you think harvesting fake smurf gardens is more important than present company, you can do it from the comforts of your own home.

6. THOU shalt jump songs within reasonable limits

Due to the prevailing nature of Malaysian Timing (see "I am on my way - Concept of Malaysian Timing" ), it is inevitable that some people may come later than others. By then, the list of selected songs may be thicker than a hard copy of Wikipedia.

Size if Wikipedia is printed out

In such situation, it is understandable, even expected, that the latecomers will "jump" some of their songs to the front. This benefits everybody. The latecomers will not feel like they are penalised for being late (their penalty though, should be to buy everyone a round of beer), while those who were there earlier won't get tired of just singing their songs consecutively.

However, don't jump more than one song at a time. Play nice, and take turns.

7. THOU shalt change keys to suit your vocal range

Unless you are Mariah Carey, or that fat kid from Taiwan, you probably can't sing all the songs that you like to sing in their original key.

Make use of technology, and either lower the key (called a flat "♭") or increase the key (called a sharp "#"). And if you do it without anyone knowing, people will be impressed when you can hit that fake high C that Mariah is famous for.

8. THOU shalt get your booty moving when singing a Black Eyed Peas song

Imagine that you are at a funeral, and the mood is sombre, sad even, and the parlour is playing "Let's Get It Started" from their speakers.

Yup, that's how it looks like exactly (minus the presence of a dead body) when you are in a karaoke room and every one's butt is planted to the couch when uptempo songs like these are being sung. It is rumoured that there is a legendary female creature that stands on the couch and puts on a concert whenever Katy Perry's "Fireworks" is on.

Do that, and when "I'm Sexy And I Know It" is on, don't forget, "wiggle, wiggle, wiggle".

Second from left.  He so fugly they put a box on his head.

9. THOU shalt not permanently attach remote control to your hand

Use this as a general rule. Never use the remote control to browse through the outlet's entire song list before letting go. Return it to the middle of the table once you have selected approximately four to five songs, remember where you left of, and continue browsing from that point onwards when the remote has made its rounds back to you.

10. THOU shalt not "accidentally" cancel a song that's being sung halfway.

Carrying on from the previous commandment, familiarise yourself with the buttons before the lights are turned down low, so you do not "accidentally" press the Stop button.

Knowing which exactly is the Stop button will benefit you as well, because as soon as a singer says "cancel the song, I don't want to continue singing anymore," you can cancel immediately before he changes his mind. Hey, time in a karaoke room is too precious to be wasted on songs being sung half-hearted.


So, go forth and multiply, oh believers of the religion of minus-one songs. May Jacky Cheung smile upon you always.

Good Friends/Better Enemies

Boomerang Counsellors: People who returns advices that you yourself said first.

John: I think I should stay away from Mary. I've not contacted her for the past 2 days.
John: I don't think it is going to work out, although I like her a lot. We had fun, but recently, she seems more and more distant.

Kalle: Cooling off period eh?

John: Yeah

Kalle: Hm, I think you should stay away from her.

John: ?!?!?!

Valentine's Day Short Stories on Love

The following were posted on my Facebook account at various interval throughout this year's Valentine's Day.
______________________________________________________________________________

When you are dying, suddenly a lot of people loves you.
  Die, and suddenly EVERYONE loves you.
The end.
______________________________________________________________________________

Lost: One male heart. May be broken. If found, please return to her. If she rejects, please dispose of said item accordingly.
The end.
______________________________________________________________________________

Breaking News: Elderly lady found dead on grave of husband of 50 years. Police ruled out foul play, suspects broken heart as cause of death. Police implore witnesses to step forward and provide information.
The end.
______________________________________________________________________________

A Valentine's Day Short Love Story for The Road: "Happy Valentine's Day, cute but sobbing girl in the car behind me, stuck together in traffic".
The end.
______________________________________________________________________________

"Woof woof woof"
"I'm sorry, Hachi, but he is never coming back"
The end.
______________________________________________________________________________

A Valentine's Day Short Storyy on Unconditional Love:
"Push push!"
"Congratulations, it's a beautiful baby boy!"
The end.
______________________________________________________________________________

Hmm..I wonder what she is doing right now.
I wonder if she misses me the way that I miss her.
I can't wait to see her in the office again tomorrow, maybe she'll wear that cute skirt that I bought her.
Maybe I'll bring her chocolates.
Hopefully, I'll get to kiss her before the day en...
"Huh?"
"Yeah honey, I love you too. I'm almost done. Don't worry, our kids can't hear us."
...where was I? Oh yeah, a kiss from her before before the day ends.

The end.

G.L.A.D on Valentine's Day

An admission of writer's block. I have the desire to pen down a few thoughts about this special day, but with no outline as yet on my notepad, God knows where this post will be headed towards.

Valentine's Day is not just about one day, as many would have known by now. Nope, for many, it is an event which requires weeks of advance planning, and the repercussions of a well planned or a screwed up Valentine's Day is felt for weeks after that.

I'm not even referring to the corporations or small business owners (such as the evil horde of florists) raking in abominable profits which pays for their children's college funds and their Caribbean cruises (but since we are on this subject, flowers, chocolates and condoms should be included in the Price Control Act and Anti Profiteering Act 2011 to prevent the abuses of young horny, and hence non-rational, males everywhere).

Nope, I am referring to aforementioned horny males - especially those without a girl to spend the money equivalent to a house loan on during this day.

For those who are blissfully unattached, Valentine Day may seem like a non-event, and most single people like to show that they are okay with their current status of being "undesired", but the truth is, they start perspiring pheromones weeks ahead. The following are the stages an unattached man goes through in the days leading to D-Da..I mean, V-Day:

One month before V-Day: I've got a month to find a date for Valentine's Day. Time to stalk Facebook to see who among my friend list is still single. This should be easy. I love you Mark Zuckerberg, for conceiving Facebook.

2 weeks before V-Day: Okay okay, maybe Facebook friends list is a little too limited in scope. Time to expand my search to my Friendster friends.

1 week before V-Day: Self-doubt creeps in. What's wrong with me? I'm slightly porky and puke in my mouth at the thought of conversation with the fairer sex, but I'm sure I'm still better than that obese old man with a bad comb-over and a hot broad hanging on his arms....wait, he drives a Ferarri. I hate women.

2 days before V-Day: Maybe the Mayans screwed up, and maybe the world will end on 13 February, if I pray hard enough.

1 day before V-Day: Stupid radio stations with their constant looping of sappy love songs. Read somewhere that people know they are in love when "all the love songs makes sense". What does it mean then, when "all the love songs makes one want to hang himself like Moe does in The Simpsons every holiday season"?

V-Day: Looks longingly at the couples that walks past your windows, arms locked, tripping over each other. Resolves to improve oneself, by hitting the gym (doable), getting a six pack (doable) and stop being a weirdo (close to impossible), so that one won't remain dateless by the next Valentine's Day.

V-Day +1: Goes back to stalking girls on Facebook. Decides Friendster is a lost cause, tries to add search for Friendster female "friends" on Facebook to add them.

Happy Valentine's Day, my single friends!

Postscript:

Research has shown that single people have more sex with more partners than successfully attached or married couples, so instead of Single Awareness Day, with its S.A.D acronym insinuating a downside to being single, may I suggest G.L.A.D, which stands for Getting Laid Always Day.

Do drop me a message if you have other candidates to replace S.A.D.