The 10 Karaoke Commandments

A recent discourse with a friend on the less than savoury behaviours of people who haunts karaoke joints led to many interesting observations which I've decided would be beneficial for the karaoke community as a whole if they are known and adopted as the commandments for the religion of minus one songs.

This is in no way applicable to the dodgy karaoke joints with, ahem, paid company. In THOSE joints, as long as you have the money, no rules exist and anything goes.

Nope, these commandments are for the legitimate karaoke outlets where the only kisses you'll get are transferred via the microphones (more on that later).

And so, I give you, the 10 Karaoke Commandments:

1. THOU shalt not make out with the microphone

It's a mic, not a lollypop, or that other thing that you lick to make it firm....thread.

The microphones are shared, and it's bad enough it is covered with bacteria from orifices of strangers, but to see you stroking it gently while placing it's bulbous head on your lips while you sing? You can hold on to your slender cordless girlfriend, I'll just sit here NOT sharing your saliva.

2. THOU shalt not select songs for others

Not everyone likes Black Eyed Peas, just like not everyone likes the syrupy ballads of Jacky Cheung (although they should - he is God of Song). So while it is bearable to listen to others sing songs that you may not favour, it gets a little annoying to have others select songs that you dislike, and telling you that they chose if for you and you have to sing it.

3. THOU shalt not covet the songs selected by others

If I select a song first, even if you believe that song to be solely owned by you, too bad. I get to sing it. Hands of the microphone. However, if you are a pretty girl or good looking guy, I might share half the song with you - but if you think you are singing lead, dream on.

4. THOU shalt not select songs just to listen to the original singers sing

Go home and watch MTV or Youtube. It's cheaper.

5. THOU shalt not sit in a corner and play with that damn iPhone (forgivable if it is Blackberry)

You are paying close to a day's wages to be in the karaoke room. Similar to the previous point,  if you are going to spend that time showing the world how "cool" (read: anti-social) you are, or that you think harvesting fake smurf gardens is more important than present company, you can do it from the comforts of your own home.

6. THOU shalt jump songs within reasonable limits

Due to the prevailing nature of Malaysian Timing (see "I am on my way - Concept of Malaysian Timing" ), it is inevitable that some people may come later than others. By then, the list of selected songs may be thicker than a hard copy of Wikipedia.

Size if Wikipedia is printed out

In such situation, it is understandable, even expected, that the latecomers will "jump" some of their songs to the front. This benefits everybody. The latecomers will not feel like they are penalised for being late (their penalty though, should be to buy everyone a round of beer), while those who were there earlier won't get tired of just singing their songs consecutively.

However, don't jump more than one song at a time. Play nice, and take turns.

7. THOU shalt change keys to suit your vocal range

Unless you are Mariah Carey, or that fat kid from Taiwan, you probably can't sing all the songs that you like to sing in their original key.

Make use of technology, and either lower the key (called a flat "♭") or increase the key (called a sharp "#"). And if you do it without anyone knowing, people will be impressed when you can hit that fake high C that Mariah is famous for.

8. THOU shalt get your booty moving when singing a Black Eyed Peas song

Imagine that you are at a funeral, and the mood is sombre, sad even, and the parlour is playing "Let's Get It Started" from their speakers.

Yup, that's how it looks like exactly (minus the presence of a dead body) when you are in a karaoke room and every one's butt is planted to the couch when uptempo songs like these are being sung. It is rumoured that there is a legendary female creature that stands on the couch and puts on a concert whenever Katy Perry's "Fireworks" is on.

Do that, and when "I'm Sexy And I Know It" is on, don't forget, "wiggle, wiggle, wiggle".

Second from left.  He so fugly they put a box on his head.

9. THOU shalt not permanently attach remote control to your hand

Use this as a general rule. Never use the remote control to browse through the outlet's entire song list before letting go. Return it to the middle of the table once you have selected approximately four to five songs, remember where you left of, and continue browsing from that point onwards when the remote has made its rounds back to you.

10. THOU shalt not "accidentally" cancel a song that's being sung halfway.

Carrying on from the previous commandment, familiarise yourself with the buttons before the lights are turned down low, so you do not "accidentally" press the Stop button.

Knowing which exactly is the Stop button will benefit you as well, because as soon as a singer says "cancel the song, I don't want to continue singing anymore," you can cancel immediately before he changes his mind. Hey, time in a karaoke room is too precious to be wasted on songs being sung half-hearted.


So, go forth and multiply, oh believers of the religion of minus-one songs. May Jacky Cheung smile upon you always.