Do Ugly Babies Exist?

On lazy Sunday mornings like this, I like to just sit back, stare at the ceiling, put my hands in my pockets and ponder on some of life's most profound questions. Today, the following question has left me just a little stumped.

Do ugly babies exist?

Winston Churchill was born old. (Note: Photo on left is NOT Winston Churchill)

The PC police might lobby for legislation that prohibits the criticism of a defenceless baby based on his or her appearance, but really, when has the PC police ever been bothered about universal truths when they are too busy trying not to step on any one's toes.

If one were to rid themselves of the restraints that limit free and rational thinking, one would probably agree with me that not all babies are born adorable.

Simply put, it all boils down to genes. If an ugly man marries an ugly woman, and their baby looks like a mini Brad Pitt, chances are, said ugly woman cheated on her ugly man with Brad Pitt.

For as long as I can remember, even before the advent of the Internet, there has been baby contests. Back in those days, the baby photos submitted are judged by a faceless panel of judges, and the announcement of winners are done without much fanfare.

However, when a certain Harvard dropout unleashed the "Like" button on the world, baby contests have taken on a whole new level. Case in point, a recent baby contest held in Australia, hosted by Bonds, a clothing company.

According to the Yahoo article (Australian Beautiful Baby Contest Turns Ugly),  "Aussie mums were asked to send in pictures of their babies to the Bond Facebook page, but what was intended to be an opportunity to share adorable photos turned into a scathing commentary about the babies appearances".

Some comments were racists, such as one user who commented on a Eurasian baby's photo that "this is Bonds Australia, not Bonds Asia", while some were clearly written by people with no originality and probably a lack of a high school certificate, evidenced by comments such as "ugly ducking" and "a child only a mother could love". 

However, parents also have to share some of the blame. If you are willing to submit your children's photos for what amounts to nothing more than a beauty contest, then you have to be prepared that your little angel may not appear to be that angelic to everyone.

One of the parents of the babies in the Bond contest was so unable to accept the fact that her baby was anything but cute lodged a police report for the offensive comments her baby photos received. I wonder how that conversation went?

Police: Maam, what seems to be the problem?
Mum: I want to lodge a report against this person for calling my precious little baby ugly! Arrest him!
Police: Maam, would you like to put that cabbage you are holding down first before you make your report?
Mum: What cabbage? This IS my baby!
Police: Sorry maam. In that case, we can't arrest someone for telling the truth.

(I was going for the police to reply, "Maam, I thought you wanted to report a rape by Shrek which led to this abomination", but I think that would be too un-PC of me. Rape is not a joking matter, no matter how funny it may be in this context.)

Let's look at it this way. When a baby is crowned as the champion in a baby beauty contest, it means that he or she is more adorable than the baby who is crowned as runners-up, who in turn is judged as more adorable than the second runners up. Flip it around, and one may conclude that the baby placed third is uglier than the runners up, and the runners up is uglier than the champion.

Based on this sequence of logic, if you put all the babies in the world in a beauty contest, comparing from one baby to the another, you will have, say it with me, UGLY BABIES!

Don't get me wrong. As a former ugly baby, I am proof that while one does not grow out of ugliness entirely, it does get easier to live with. It would have been better, though, if the adults were more forthcoming with the level of my adorableness before setting me on a life of disappointment through the baby contest circuits.

Baby Justin

As a friend once said, "it's amazing how most babies, in the first few days after they are born, has all these wrinkles and looks like old people, but within weeks, turn into cherubic little things that you can't help but pepper with kisses all day long".

"He has got his dad's nose, his mum's eyes, and....his grandad's forehead?"

So if you are the parent of an ugly baby, don't fret. Just start putting aside a little more money for his future. Not for colleges or education, mind you, but for the sports car or the cool haircut that costs more than the budget of a third world country, that will be necessary for him or her to survive young adulthood with a mug "only a mother could love".

So, to end this rambling but thoughtful post, I leave you with a picture of the world's most disgusting baby.

So fat he can breastfeed himself

Enjoy the weekend!